Men, Women, and Shame
Have you ever watched Brene Brown’s TED Talk on Listening to Shame on Youtube? If you haven’t, it’s a good time to check it out. I adore her! She inspires me to practice as a shame resilient and non-pathologizing relationship therapist.
We all have experienced shame, either by self-shaming, being shamed by someone, or guiltily shaming others regardless of whether it’s our intention or not. In short, in the presence of shame, everyone gets hurt.
In her Daring Greatly book, Brene Brown views shame as a universal feeling that we all share. You and I, we may share that similar heart wrenching sensation in our chest or the knots in our stomach that makes us want to curl up into a ball or to hide away when we feel ashamed. But did you know that our triggers to shame are driven by two different gender-bound sets of rules, messages, and expectations? In other words, shame shows up differently for men and women.
Let’s take a look at the 12 shame categories that Brene Brown has graciously organized for us:
Appearance and body image
Money and Work/Career
Motherhood/Fatherhood
Family
Parenting
Health (Mental and Physical)
Addiction
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving Trauma
Being stereotyped or labeled
I bet you have experienced some, if not many, of the above shame triggers over the course of your life. As a wife, daughter, sister, and friend myself, I can sadly and confidently say that I have my fair share of experiencing many of them. As a relationship counselor, I have also seen these themes emerge repeatedly in my work with hundreds of couples and singles who strive to overcome their individual as well as relationship challenges.
What I have learned from my years of counseling experience, aligned with the findings in Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly book, is that primary shame triggers for women are often centered around “Look perfect,” “Do perfect,” and “Be perfect.” If we cannot achieve those ridiculous expectations, for realistic reasons, we are doomed to feel judged and “never enough.” For men, in turn, primary shame triggers are often involved in feeling and being perceived as “weak” or “a failure.” I was told stories by male clients that they are often blamed for not being open and vulnerable enough and yet when they take the risk to be real with their insecurities, their partner can’t stomach it. And so they told themselves to “man up” and shut that vulnerability door tight to cope with shame.
In couple therapy, I’ve seen countless times in which shame creates one of the most vicious cycles that traps couples in a whirlwind motion of never-ending conflicts. Shame tends to happen when one partner (oftentimes women) feels ignored, unheard, dismissed, and/or unappreciated, which affects their views of self (“I’m not important to you” or “I don’t matter at all”). Unfortunately, in order to get out of the shame web, many of us appear to use strategies like provoking or criticizing (“You never get it right” or “Why don’t you ever help enough around the house?”) in order to get our partner’s attention and hope that something will change.
In turn, the other partner (oftentimes men) experiences shame when they feel small and inadequate in front of their significant other because the underlying messages are “I’m a failure” or “I will never be good enough.” In order to get out of the shame web, men tend to, but not always, have two primary responses: lashing out or shutting down in the hope to get out of a conflict or to shift the attention away from them.
How do we break this vicious cycle?
1. Grow your awareness
To battle shame, you need to do your due diligence by growing and/or strengthening your attunement to self and others. Even though Brene Brown helps us organize shame into different categories, shame emerges in different shapes in reality. We can all relate to shame on an analytical level but our experience of shame can feel very different from the emotional and physiological levels. Reading, getting trained in shame resilience, or seeking therapy are some of the helpful ways to become more attuned to yourself and others. A few important notes for your journey to become shame resilient:
Pace yourself. This process is a marathon and not a sprint.
Don’t shame yourself if you feel discouraged along the way. It’s okay to take a pause and be curious about what discourages you.
2. Take Ownership
We all have made mistakes by saying hurtful things to others. You can’t take back your shaming comments but you can apologize for shaming your loved ones. They may or may not accept your apology but it is your responsibility to right the wrongs. Shaming someone we love around vulnerability creates attachment trauma because it leaves scars. If left unattended, the wound will continue to fester and further damage your relationships with self and others. Find the courage that I know you have in you to complete this mission.
3. Get professional help
You’re not alone and you don’t have to battle shame alone! I have my own therapist who supports me through my healing journey and I cannot say enough how much I value her help. If you’re struggling, take action now by searching for a relationship counselor near you today to help you get started. If you want to connect with me, click here to send me a message.
