3 Negative Communication Styles Couples Use That Can Cause Unhappiness and What You Can Do to Communicate Better with Your Partner - Part 2
This week’s post is a continuation of my recent blog on three negative communication styles couples use that affect their sense of satisfaction and happiness in the relationship. If you haven’t read my last post, you may want to read it here before you continue with today’s blog. It’ll help you make a better connection between the importance of avoiding use of negative communication styles to ask for what you need and how to express yourself in a way that increases intimacy in your relationship.
As you know, communication is an exchange of information between you and your partner through different means of interaction such as verbal and non-verbal language (i.e. eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression, posture, etc.). Couples in therapy often state that when they are upset at their partner, they usually just stop communicating by not talking to each other. This is the number one misconception that couples have. Communication is not just about exchanging words. Not talking to each other (i.e. passive style) does not stop your communication. In fact, you and your partner are constantly communicating with each other regardless of your awareness.
For instance, your husband/wife comes home from a long day at work only to see you looking upset and nagging him/her about being late and not helping enough around the house. Instead of expressing your needs, you both start an argument and at the end, you remove yourself to the bedroom while your significant other stays back watching TV. You remain silent all night so “I don’t have to communicate with him/her.” What you both are really doing is avoiding confrontation. The ongoing communication still happens, just under different forms, as you continue to send indirect messages through ignoring and avoiding the other. Your message becomes “I don’t feel close to you. I’d rather be somewhere else or doing something else rather than being with you.” This is fear-based communication. If this silent treatment continues, you may end up sleeping in different rooms or going to bed with a guarded position. Instead of the usual snuggling or holding each other to sleep, you turn and face the opposite direction. Your body language tells your partner that you’re closing yourself off and rejecting them. When you communicate from a place of disconnection, it’s very difficult for you to relate to your partner in an intimate way.
Remember, your communications style is a continuum. It can move around within the range of passive to aggressive depending on how you feel in the moment, where you are, and who you communicate with despite your usual go-to strategy. There is no one size fits all. Though as you know from my last post, communicating with your partner through a passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive fashion can provide you short-term relief, but it will affect your level of affection and satisfaction in the long run. For that reason, I want to show you a different way of communicating with your partner, one that I often apply in marriage counseling, that will help you feel more confident in receiving positive interaction from your loved one. It is called assertive communication.
So What is Assertive Communication?
Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your own needs, feelings, or wants with calmness, clarity, and honesty. Assertiveness means owning your emotions and expressing them in a way that increases your self-respect and respect for your partner. Communicating assertively means letting go of passive and/or aggressive forms of expression and replacing them with new, effective skills that strengthen your relationship.
You may not get what you need but it’ll help you improve your relationship.
Assertiveness doesn’t guarantee that you will always get what you ask for. Your partner can still refuse to cooperate, but remember this: you can’t control what your partner would do or say. You can only control your own actions. The practice of assertiveness is for you. It is the process of you learning to become a better person and partner. It teaches you to accept your self-worth, appreciate your differences, and communicate your uniqueness with your partner through positive interactions. It is in hope that your effort of becoming a better partner will help motivate your partner to better him/herself. As a relationship therapist who has worked with many couples and families, I believe that change in one part of the system will change other parts in the system. So, work on yourself and let the positivity follow!
Don’t be afraid that you will damage your relationship.
Assertiveness doesn’t damage your marriage. Passive and aggressive communication do. Healthy couples practice mutual respect through recognizing one’s needs while still validating the other’s wishes. Assertiveness is meant to strengthen your relationship through practice of self-worth and acceptance. Its message is “I’m a grown up and I choose to communicate with my partner in a mature way.” When you embrace honesty and openness, you draw a clear future direction for yourself and your partner. This bonding will increase intimacy and satisfaction in your relationship as you now speak the same language.
Your partner doesn’t leave you or think less of you just because you choose to communicate assertively.
Assertiveness doesn’t drive your loved one away, it draws him/her closer due to your confidence in expressing yourself. It may feel intimidating for your partner at first if he/she was used to your previous communication style. Every change requires a period of adjustment. Just give your partner time while you stay consistent with the new practice. Your partner will see the benefits of what you’re doing and will appreciate it in the long run. You’re modeling a new communicating technique that many couples haven’t heard of or done before. So be patient and enjoy the process!
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