What to Do When You Feel Like Your Relationship Is Ending?
When a relationship is in trouble, couples face a few choices:
a. Keep going and live with the relationship as is
b. End the relationship
Sometimes because of different duties or obligations such as raising young children, some of us feel safer continuing our relationship to certain landmarks before we take a dive deep into reassessing the “us.” Other times if the relationship is deemed too far gone, few couples want to keep going or save their marriage. It’s hard to keep going when you already feel burnt out so it makes sense that the second option: end the relationship, is often the card on the table.
What you may not know is that there is a third option. You do not have to keep going and live with the relationship as is while resentment and disappointment pile up. You do not have to go for that default setting by ending the relationship right away just because you are afraid that nothing is going to change. It is really hard to determine what is best for you when you feel ambiguous and unclear of what to do and how to go about it. This may be a time to consider a third option: a structured time apart with a clear set of boundaries in order to make room for yourself and your relationship in the midst of ambiguity and uncertainty.
This structured healing separation (written by Bruce Fisher, PhD), when done correctly, can help you untangle your downward spiral of thoughts and feelings that can get in the way from you being able to make sound decisions. Choosing this third stance does not change your decision of whether you should stay or leave your marriage but it can help you deal with your fear of regrets that may happen down the road.
So what does a structured healing separation look like?
A healing separation is like a “trial” time apart in which you and your partner can experiment a potential in-home separation in order to focus on yourself and to take the pressure off your relationship.
It is important that you and your partner agree on the length of the trial separation period so you have a clear picture on what to expect. It’s even more important that you and your spouse discuss whether you should follow your already built in rules/routines or if you want to create a new set of boundaries to guide you during the trial separation. Miscommunication often happens in the midst of negotiation. This is where the assistance of a relationship counseling expert becomes invaluable as their expertise can help make this process become seamless.
What can I do to contribute to the success of my healing separation?
1. A commitment to dedicate to your personal growth; and
2. A commitment to sort through your marital problem with your partner regardless of the outcome of therapy
Let’s talk about these two.
Learning how to create a better relationship with yourself is one of the best things you can do to nurture your relationship with someone. In many cases, we start losing our connection with self when we are too focused on our partner or our marriage. In short, we feel lost. As you go through your structured time apart, ask yourself:
What can I work on to build a healthier relationship with myself that will help me build different and healthier relationships with others?
What brings me joy in life and relationships?
How can I show up for myself that will help me show up for others in a healthy way?
The more you get to know yourself, the more flexible you become in working through your own stumbling blocks that sabotage your intimacy and trust in others. The goal of working on yourself during a structured time apart is not about whether you should get back together with your partner or not. It is for you to learn who you are and how to show up for you and for others in a healthy way.
Your commitment to sort through your relationship problems with your partner in counseling regardless of the outcome plays a huge role in how you can transform your relationship. Many couples whom I have worked with over the years came out of this process strong and renewed their vows to reflect their growth together. Others decided to part ways with a sense of clarity on what was best for them. I don’t know what your journey may look like but if you’re reading this, you’re probably in a position where you want to find a way to either transform your relationship or to end your marriage on a positive note with your spouse. Your commitment to seek relationship counseling with your partner does not have to be for the sake of staying together. It is for both of you to identify what has been missing and whether you still desire to change that. That way even if you decide to walk away, you can feel confident that you have done your best and that there would be no lingering regrets, which I call “unfinished business,” that follow you from one relationship to another.
I hope you find some food for thoughts from this blog. Look out for more of my writings on love and relationships for couples and singles in the next few weeks.
