Why “Happy Wife, Happy Life” Is a Problematic Marriage Expectation
Last year I helped facilitate a virtual couples retreat for premarital and remarried couples. We discussed what modern day relationships look like and what millennial couples really want to see in their partnership.
As I introduced my audience to different relationship topics such as sex, money, communication, and marriage expectations, it was eye opening for me to see how quickly marriage expectations became the most debatable topic. When I went through a list of different relationship expectations I’ve heard over the years as a marriage counselor, everyone in the room got excited and became fully involved in the discussion. Some feedback brought laughter to the room. Others generated heat.
So let’s take a look at some of the common marriage expectations discussed that day:
Conflict is bad for marriage.
Conflict means we’re not compatible.
If it doesn’t feel organic, it’s probably not right.
If I have to ask you to do something for me, it is not as meaningful.
My partner will meet all my needs.
Time will resolve our problems.
Happy wife, happy life.
Men don’t do feelings.
Every couple at the retreat had something to share about their very own experiences of the above narratives. The consensus was that every disappointment seems to involve an unmet expectation.
But how easy is it for these social and cultural expectations to lead to our repeated sense of disappointments?
Let’s see.
Conflict is bad for marriage. If we fight a lot, that means we’re not compatible.
This very narrative has set many couples up for marriage dissatisfaction from the get go. Conflict is neither good nor bad. And in many instances, conflict can be a good thing. Why? Because it’s an indicator that you’re a human being and you have needs. It’s NORMAL for partners to share similar needs as much as to have different needs in a relationship. It does not help you and your relationship when the rules are only to embrace similar needs and to avoid different needs at all cost. It only perpetuates conflict. The way how you express your needs and how you solve conflict matter. Those are the ones that need a closer look. The more open you are to explore your areas of growth, the healthier your communication becomes.
Next on the list is the “Happy wife, happy life” saying, the most problematic expectation in my opinion.
It implies that in order for a marriage to succeed, it falls on women to behave in a certain way. It implies perfectionism. It’s an unrealistic view of a happy marriage, by which women have to be perfect by staying composed and controlling their emotions all the time. It is an impossible task. Not only that, the saying assigns blame and points the finger at one spouse, which exacerbates the couple’s communication cycle. People often say “it’s a joke” when referencing “happy wife, happy life.” But really, can you imagine how lonely it feels for one partner to carry the pressure of the above underlying messages?
As much as I dislike the “happy wife, happy life” saying, I hate the “men don’t do feelings” and “women are too emotional” assumptions.
These false beliefs about men and women often generate a great amount of relationship dissatisfaction. It separates the “us” and assigns gender biases. It places you and your partner on the opposite site of togetherness. It creates the “you vs. me” mentality and that is a lose-lose situation for everybody. I can’t even count how many times I have seen men in therapy who are fully aware of their emotions and yet feel hesitant and ashamed to express themselves because of this “men don’t do feelings” social bias. I have seen women who strive to be authentic by staying true to how they feel and yet are viewed as “she’s crazy.” Why is that? Why do we keep “shoulding” ourselves by letting these unrealistic and out-dated social and gender biased expectations still direct our relationships to this day?
Your expectations about love, partnership, and marriage have a powerful impact on how you do relationships.
You may find yourself dealing with more or less disappointment depending on how badly you want something in your relationship and how it matches up with your expectation of what “should be happening.” This disappointment can be a driver behind conflict itself, even arising when small issues come up that may be seemingly unrelated.
Modern couples adore collaboration and reciprocation in partnership. Marriage is no longer a destination for security and safety only. Couples today want to experience spontaneity, passion, excitement, support, and fairness in their relationship. Just like Esther Perel puts it in her “Mating in Captivity” book: Modern romance promises it all - a life time of togetherness, intimacy, and erotic desire.
In reality, this desired partnership can be challenging to achieve because of different influences. One of the main influences is what we have discussed so far in this blog: Unrealistic social expectations about men and women and what they “should be doing” in love and marriage. The only way to address these fantasies is to learn how to identify and address your own blind spots (a.k.a. your biases and unrealistic expectations). This self-help or self-growth is a process and you’ll need some professional help along the way. My question for you is: Are you ready to help yourself and your relationship?
