When a Couple Therapist Seeks Couple Therapy
A long time ago my husband and I made a vow that we would do marital counseling just because it’s the right thing to do to take care of the health of our relationship. Fast forward 3 years into our marriage, we hit a bumpy road because our individual differences and our expectations of self/other got in the way of us being able to connect. This happed around the time I was trained vigorously in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, a therapy model that I stand by for its effectiveness in creating long lasting change in relationships. So I thought what could be a better way to strengthen my marriage than seeking marriage counseling in a model that I absolutely believe in and use daily in my practice.
I was terrified at first by the thought of sharing my marriage story with you on this blog. I am worried about what you may think of me and whether you still choose to work with me if you learn about my need for couples counseling to save my relationship. It’s this sense of uncertainty and all the what-ifs we tell ourselves when we feel vulnerable and exposed in front of others that often prevents many of us from being authentic. As I felt crippled by my fear of judgment and rejection, I realized that this sense of insecurity is what often holds us back from being ourselves and being real to others. For that very reason, I have chosen to be authentic with you.
So, why am I telling you this story about my personal struggle?
Here are my whys:
1. Demystify the common assumption that therapists do not need or should not need therapy.
Who you are and what you do do not define your need for mental health care or any kind of care that is important to you. It frustrates me to see how we keep “should-ing” ourselves in the foot by limiting what we can do vs. cannot do because of our fear of social condemnation.
2. Challenge the stigma that if a therapist seeks therapy, that means they are not a good therapist.
This is called Shaming and I do not tolerate it. I strongly believe that a good therapist is a therapist who has worked through their own individual as well as relationship challenges. This is what makes them relatable to you and to be more compassionate towards your own struggle. My belief is that: You cannot truly love someone until you love yourself. You cannot help someone heal until you truly heal yourself.
3. Encourage you to seek help NOW to heal yourself and relationships that matter most to you.
There is no shame for you or for any of us to admit that you struggle in your marriage. There is no such thing as a problem-proof relationship. If you expect your relationship to be smooth sailing, you may fall hard when it isn’t. What you see as a “problem” in your marriage is also a door for new opportunities to expand your sense of intimacy and closeness. The trick is not to delay getting the necessary help. Your future self will thank you for taking the first step today.
4. I want to truly understand your experience of being in couple therapy.
It is a privilege to sit in the therapist’s chair. My experience of being in therapy myself has made me truly understand what it’s like to be in your shoes. How terrifying it is for you to admit that your relationship is not in good shape. How anxious you feel when you make that initial phone call with a therapist. How heartache you feel to tell a stranger, even though that person is your therapist, about your perceived short comings in life or relationships.
So, to all of you who have chosen to show up for yourself and your partner in therapy, I admire you and your courage to do the hard work. To some of you who have been thinking about doing couples therapy but are still unsure about whether it’s the right time or the right thing to do at the moment, it’s really okay to take baby steps. Start with scheduling an intake session to help you get your foot in the door. Before you know it, you will build the momentum to move forward with healing yourself and your relationship.
