5 Things You Need to Know About the Pursuer in the Relationship
Over the years I have learned that relationship problems cannot be simply viewed as faults in one’s behaviors alone. It’s easy to look at things on a behavioral level because it is more straightforward. However, it does not reflect your relationship and your relationship challenges as a whole because it misses the emotional component of your experience.
I am an EFT couple therapist (i.e. emotionally focused couple therapist). Don’t be alarmed by the “emotionally focused” phrase if you’re an analytical person who prefers to approach things from a logical angle. As an EFT therapist, I do look closely at the behavioral issues presented in the room and address how those challenges impact your love and connection with one another. However I never stop there. I look deeper to understand what is below the surface of the behavioral iceberg. My mission is helping you tie the knot between your emotional experience and your behavioral response to your spouse or partner when you handle conflict in order to help you overcome your vicious cycle of communication.
Today I want to share with you 5 things you need to know about the pursuer in the relationship. It is my hope that these tips will offer you a compassionate view of self and/or of your partner in the position of being a pursuer.
1. Pursuers tend to lean more on the anxious attachment style.
You tend to feel more anxious about what could go wrong in the relationship. When you bring something up to your partner’s attention, you want to get it done right and while it’s still hot because you feel worried that nothing will change if you don’t actively address it. Fear of abandonment and loss of control may be some of the core issues that you’ve struggled with over the years. As a result, you want lots of reassurance from your partner to help you feel secure and grounded. Because of that need for deep connection, you find comfort in being close to your significant other. When you feel some distance in the relationship, you feel anxious as if “something wrong” is getting in between you and your partner. The more anxious you feel, the more you often want reassurance by bringing things up.
2. Pursuers use emotions as messengers of their unmet needs.
You talk and communicate feelings. Your expression of emotions is your way of crying out for help (e.g. not being heard, not being able to connect, or not feeling close to your spouse). It can be difficult for your partner to understand your expression of emotions, especially when you get loud and angry when you’re afraid that you don’t matter to them. Sometimes you feel like a bad person because you can’t seem to stop being angry when you try to express yourself. Your emotions drive your behaviors. In return your behavior affects your emotions. They move in a circular motion. It’s like two sides of the same coin. You cannot acknowledge one and dismiss the other even if there are times doing so has brought you temporary relief.
3. You turn up the volume to express your worries in the relationship.
Pursuers can get loud and angry when they feel like they don’t matter to their partner or when they feel like their feelings are unheard. Being vocal is often your hope to catch your partner’s attention of your needs. You may often find yourself prying your partner to talk about feelings. It’s your way of measuring “where we are at” with each other and what your spouse is thinking or feeling about you. Turning up the volume is your way of signaling to your partner that you’re worried and hurt. Yet, often times, you’re misunderstood as being demanding or controlling in your vicious cycle of communication because your anger tends to drive your spouse away instead of making them understand your needs.
4. You tend to feel alone even when you’re surrounded by others.
A deep sense of connection with your significant other is usually your indicator of “We’re in it together.” On the other hand, your perception of a lack of connection or a shallow connection often explains your feeling of loneliness. Your prominent love language tend to be quality time spending* with the other. Because “quality” is the keyword here, you can feel alone when you’re interacting with your partner but not feeling like you’re getting their full attention in the moment. This feeling of loneliness can often be overlooked and difficult for your partner to see because it lays underneath the iceberg, aka. your expression of anger or frustration. This is why EFT (emotionally focused therapy for couples) is powerful in helping couples address their conflicts in attachment terms instead of in behavioral terms in some behavioral therapy approaches.
5. You crave closeness and are fearful of abandonment.
Not feeling chosen or mattered in the relationship is your deepest fear. For many female pursuers, feeling emotionally close and connected with their partner can bring about more enjoyment and desire in sex. As a matter of fact, research has shown that the majority of female partners are emotional pursuers but often withdrawers in the area of sex, especially when they experience a lack of emotional satisfaction in the relationship (for further reading on the findings, click here and here). Because of this craving for closeness, it makes sense that you’re often on high alert for any potential signs of distance or withdrawal from your partner. In many cases this pattern of staying on high alert is a form of trauma response to past experience of abandonment in close relationships. Anger and criticism are often the pursuer’s self-defense mechanism when they feel like they’re losing the ability to keep their partner close. Yet, in the midst of your vicious communication cycle, it can be very difficult for the other spouse to see your anger or criticism as your fear of losing them in the moment. The angrier you get, the further your partner shuts down, which often intensifies your worst fears about not being mattered or loved.
If you find yourself in an unhealthy communication pattern because you and your partner communicate love and connection differently, please don’t wait around. Take the first step by finding a couples therapist or a marriage counselor near you or who can see you virtually in your state. I’d highly recommend for you to find an EFT couples therapist to help you care for your relationship from an attachment-based, non-blaming approach. In my next blog, I will share with you about “5 things you need to know about the withdrawer in the relationship” in order to give you a complete, full circle view of your relationship dynamic.
*Read more on 5 love languages by Gary Chapman here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com
